so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
