I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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