If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
