I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
