Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
