did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
