Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
