We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She even gives head with a lisp.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize