He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
His hands were made for my vagina.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
