matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
