We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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