i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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