so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
