Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
