Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
