Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
