I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize