I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
