just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
