Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
