I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
what day is it and did you see me today?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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