If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Fuck appropriateness.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
