Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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