If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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