I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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