If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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