I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
