He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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