Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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