True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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