her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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