she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
