You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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