This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
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