I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
