2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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