i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
