I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Randomize
