You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
