Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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