Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
