Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
