I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
