i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
