textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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