remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
