Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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