Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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