i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
