I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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