I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
tell me about the eggs
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