Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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