Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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