im holly from the hills drunk
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
