worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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