I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
