You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
