I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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