You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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