I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
