Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Randomize