Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
