dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
