hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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