I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
