I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my being single is dangerous.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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