in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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