if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
