I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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